If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Always a housemaid, never a house.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”