@TravZA

If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.

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@GoFrankGo

Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@ClassOf20l6

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@Tommytoughstuff

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

@NYC_Blonde

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

@bea_ker

Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?

Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour

*courtroom gasps*

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

@JerkVening

Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.

@theyearofelan

Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates