Look, Clinton’s gonna win. US President order has to follow Star Trek Captain order: white guy, white guy, black guy, woman, Scott Bakula.
If you’re going to a wedding this weekend and you see a random stranger dancing his nut off on the dance floor, I’m sorry, I lost a bet.
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Judge: The defendant is claiming you’re a nazi. Is this true?
Lawyer: *flustered* er no fuhrer questions your honour
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Remembering the evil paraglider today. Wondering how he’s faring in all this.
Don’t be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they’ll spend more time manually checking your updates