“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.
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If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*
*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”
*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”
Me *enters new password*
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
“Meh” -apathetic cow
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*