@gorrdano

If you’re going to attack me in an @, you better be prepared to give me like three hours or so to think of a good comeback.

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@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@TheHyyyype

*sees a tall guy*
“he must be a basketball player*

*sees a tall girl*
“she must be a basketball player”

*sees a tall tree*
“it must be a basketball player”

@ArfMeasures

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

@sliver_of

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

@WheelTod

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

@AimeeHelene1

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

@dubstep4dads

“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*