Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
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my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.