If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

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[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.


Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?


Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.


Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps


What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.


I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…