[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
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Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
All I want for Christmas is for the adults who say “See you next year” to be repeatedly tased.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Does it get bigger?
Curved TV Problems..
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…