[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Lost cat? Cats know where they live. Your cat didn’t like you.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.