@jellybnbonanza
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
@LurkAtHomeMom
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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@jellybnbonanza
@LackOfShame
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
@StephenAtHome
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
@SortaBad
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
@zebrasyndicate
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
@Contwixt
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
@BritXNic
My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
@KateWhineHall
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
@TheBoydP
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
@perhapssomeday
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.