If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”


Server: Would you like another glass of wine?

Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time

Server: For the wine?

Me: No, for silly questions


When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.


Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands


I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.


My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.


I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.


I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.


No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.