If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor