@LurkAtHomeMom

If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@BoomBoomBetty

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

@ericsshadow

COMMERCIAL:

[a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated]

Narrator: SHOES

@KalvinMacleod

[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers

@RecursiveTaco

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@Henry_3000

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@Jen_says_nah

My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.