My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My waxer just cancelled.
So I’m making the best of a bad situation and riding around on top of minivans, Teen Wolf style.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
No one who heard me talking to my dog would assume that English is my first language.