My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.
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Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*
2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.
Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.