@revious

If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.

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@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@wesjohnson8

Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”

@clichedout

HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME:

HER:

ME: did the dog put you up to this

@sadvil

2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away

@robin_991

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

@SteveAmiri

If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.

@orny_xo

Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.

@bobvulfov

me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding

@daniel_shaw

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.