If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.
You Might Also Like
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
FYI: Telling an atheist you will pray for them as some sort of insult is about as threatening as telling them that you are going to take a nap for them.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My neighbor told me he childproofed his house. And the very next day his wife came home with a newborn.
Worst. Childproofer. Ever.