If you’re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10, don’t be open.

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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.


Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, “Why didn’t you keep them when you took their picture?”


HER: I’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes



ME: did the dog put you up to this


2006: *spends more on ringtones than the total cost of my phone*

2019: if my phone rings at all I will literally throw it away


My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.


If I could be any X-Men I think I’d pick Professor X. Don’t really care about the mind-reading stuff I just hate walking.


Turns out Chlamydia is much easier to get than it is to spell.


me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight

me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding


Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.