If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.

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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.


wife: would you like a glass of water?

me: a glass of what?

wife: water

me: try again. a glass of what?

wife: *sighing* fine… would you like a glass of clear earth soup?


I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.



INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure


Me: I have to lose weight.

Me: I’m gonna exercise everyday.

Me: I’m gonna go on a diet, eat healthy and hit the gym.

Me: Is that cake?


A pop up blocker for coworkers who send you an email and immediately show up at your desk to ask if you got their email.


If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.


Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.


[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”