If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.