if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
I’m already scared
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
One venti cheeseburger please.
the three branches of government
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*