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@brynnester

Me: *panic buying*

[Later At Home]

Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?

Me: I panicked

@jnapsalot

Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?

@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@DearAuntAbby

I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged

@iwearaonesie

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

@jjhartinger

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

@daisy_haggard

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…