Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
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Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Message from the dog groomers
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
me irl
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.