I put the p in pants.
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Me: *panic buying*
[Later At Home]
Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf?
Me: I panicked
Guys, if my husband asks any of you, emotional support shoes are a thing ok?
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…