[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
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reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
everyone has that one prude friend
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year