If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
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I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I could NOT have put it better myself.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”