Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.