@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

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@Steelers1972

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

@panmidwest

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

@lacybronze1

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

@myonlymizztake

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

@3sunzzz

[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”

@patnspankme

We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.

@daddydoubts

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

@Jessdaisy

I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old

@Ygrene

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

@OrigamiUndies

Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”