If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

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The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun


Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles


Alright ok fine


*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’


Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song


BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance


…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”


Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?


M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.


To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!


“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…