If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

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My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.


[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?


Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me


If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.


[Thanksgiving Dinner]

“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”

“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”


We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.


My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.


I’m “the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room” years old


*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*


Walk up to the finest girl in the club and whisper, “excuse me, can I get at that outlet behind you hon?”