@iGreenMonk

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.

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@slimmy_shady

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

@matt___nelson

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

@mack44_d

*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’

@SortaBad

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

@TheBeerGuy73

…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”

@StickyickyBuns

Is there an app to delete your number out of other people’s phones yet?

@3sunzzz

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

@KPMoore8

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

@BlindVigil

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…