If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I can fix him.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My daily affirmation
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.