@thesulk

If you’re gonna kill yourself, at least do it on a parent’s birthday so they know why.

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@dmc1138

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

@TheTweetOfGod

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

@LuvPug

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

@MarlonBrandNO

[In Bar]

Friend: Your fly is down

Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce

*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*

@causticbob

Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.

@AbbeYaar

Just accidentally used yahoo to search for something. I think the entire Yahoo! Search staff are having a party and high fiving each other.

@Divergentmama

Me *answers phone*: OH MY GOD, IT’S YOU! I can’t believe it, I missed you so much. I love you, please don’t ever leave me again.

My hairdresser: yeah so about that appointment…

@BigBagOfScum

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.

@er0tikka

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.