you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: when is the pizza ready?
Dad: will you wait!
Me: I DID MY WAITING
Dad: oh god no
Me: TWELVE YEARS
Dad: not again
Me: IN AZKABAN