Of course size matters. No one wants a small pizza
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.