@thedad

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

@yonewt

I hope this flight attendant noticed how promptly I returned my seat back and tray table to their full upright position.

@UnFitz

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.

@better_off_dad

Pro Tip:

If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.

@CauseWereGuys

Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..

@Skoogeth

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

@just1fool

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s meant to be. So only become emotionally invested with boomerangs and dogs.