My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
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I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
$4 #usedbooks
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Good boy 😂😂
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.