@V32951124

If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

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@lazerdoov

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

@BigBang6000

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

@JasonLastname

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

@AbiWilks

My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”

@DwellerLake

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

@Treememories

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

@Playing_Dad

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

@FeelingEuphoric

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea