If you’re gonna tell me how to parent my kids, I’m gonna send one home with you.

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My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol


*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.


Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?


Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow


My toddler just asked me “mummy why do people think falsely attributing quotes to my preschool peers lends their bad opinions authenticity?”


A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?


Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.


Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes


DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea