If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten