If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
You Might Also Like
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.