@Eagle_Vision

If you’re happy and you know it, share your meds

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@sgrstk

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

@LostCatDog

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

@BuckyIsotope

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

@AnOrangeSNES

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

@JermHimselfish

Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.

@nakeyjakey

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

@KylePlantEmoji

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

@WheelTod

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

@carlyken

bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money