[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
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robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My body is a temple
for potatoes.