@AmishPornStar1

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

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@Nedsfeed

Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment

@kimtopher22

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

@thicclavabae

‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.

@awescar

There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.

@Jerrypleasure

date: i am interested in a charming guy

[to impress her]

me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake

@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

@Reverend_Scott

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

@Dustinkcouch

interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?

me: a fire killed my dad

interviewer: i’m so sorry

me: don’t be. i will have my revenge

interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?

me: no. i’m not an idiot.

interviewer:

me: i’m gonna kill its dad

@neiltyson

Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.