Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
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A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
date: i am interested in a charming guy
[to impress her]
me [lifts off flute]: awesome, hold this snake
Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?
Dr.: a plastic bag
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
interviewer: what makes you want to be a firefighter?
me: a fire killed my dad
interviewer: i’m so sorry
me: don’t be. i will have my revenge
interviewer: you want to kill the fire that killed your father?
me: no. i’m not an idiot.
me: i’m gonna kill its dad
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.