If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling