*Swirls and sniffs glass
Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity
Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I can make just about anything happen simply by hoping it won’t.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions