if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve