@thefurlinator

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

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@jessforaminute

[Wine tasting]

*Swirls and sniffs glass

Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity

Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty

@nbadag

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

@tsm560

I can make just about anything happen simply by hoping it won’t.

@GloriaFallon123

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

@WheelTod

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

@JediGigi

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

@DevilryFun

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

@o__0Dev

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions