If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Today I’m going to give it my almost
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then