@RatBatallion

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

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@DaddyJew

[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]

Me: *just throwing puppies at her

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@ClichedOut

[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll

@PickleRudd

How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”

@AbbyHasIssues

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

@Laser_Cat

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@stevevsninjas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

@KentTheG

It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.