If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!