If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

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[trying to console a friend after a tough break up]

Me: *just throwing puppies at her


“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider


*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider


[Sesame Street casting]

Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have

A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates

Exec: Nice, let’s roll


How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”


Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.


I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.


If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.


[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?


It costs today’s parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that’s just for the alcohol.


Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.