@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

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@roboticcrab

[At the Rumble]

her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*

me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*

@iGreenMonk

TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.

@murrman5

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

@JustCaseyAF

I told my kids it was Easter today. They’ve been outside for 7 hours looking for eggs

@samalmightysam

-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…

@MamaFlores

5yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

4yo slooowly walks by: “Hi, mom and dad.”

CODE RED CODE RED

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@lafpgh

Showed my husband all the super-awesome Twitter lists I’m on. He put me on a list called People I Probably Shouldn’t Have Married.