People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
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I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”