@Jubafisher

If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

You Might Also Like

@XplodingUnicorn

I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”

@AbbieEvansXO

[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text

@CrisMtzgr

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

@edana_irish

Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra

@delusions_of

Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.

@daphne_mir

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

@WilliamAder

If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.

@RunwayDan

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.