If you’re having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex’s names tattooed on them.

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I can fake my way through most conversations with my kids if I just look up from my phone every time they stop talking and say “no.”


[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]

Him: hey I just saw your text


Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”


The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.


Why girls want to be mermaids
1. No pants
2. No periods
3. Perfect hair
4. You get to lure men to their deaths 5. Free clam bra


Leonardo DiCaprio keeps breaking into my dreams trying to sell me life insurance.


Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb


If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.


The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.