I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
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I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]