@DanMentos

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

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@CrockettForReal

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

@britshaniece

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

@gianni_bcn

If you think you are having a bad day just remenber the guy on the Titanic who falls off the ship and hits the propellor on the way down.

@SkinnerSteven

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.

@Marcmywords2

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

@Barknado69

Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps

@TheTweetOfGod

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.