“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
men, we mow at sunrise.
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.