Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
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*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON