My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
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I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
marvel comics have peaked
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison