If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?