If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza