If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
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Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
A new level of troll.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
My dog ate my work from home.