Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”