If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
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[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire