Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
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Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.