Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
You Might Also Like
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
New tinder profile pic
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.