The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
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I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.