@tigersgoroooar

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

You Might Also Like

@Ideal_Victoria

For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*

@WilliamAder

If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.

@MBittersweet25

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

@juice3wavy

me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*

friend: *responds*

me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u

@panmidwest

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

@ShortSleeveSuit

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

@ilovepie84

I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.

@iinkedZombie

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager