Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
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Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.
MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.
*walks up to IKEA return counter
*rips receipt into tiny pieces
*tells the clerk to put it together himself
Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i’m on Twitter.