@tigersgoroooar

if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree

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@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

@lawyerthoughts

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

@causticbob

On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.

Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.

@TheMichaelRock

The movie Noah would be more entertaining if it was combined with Sharknado.

@jwoodham

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

@Poutymcgee

[during sex]

If you say Jesus backwards it sounds like Sausage.

@BillMc7

MIND BENDER: Take your age. Now subtract 3. That’s how old you were three years ago.

@Alexclaimer

*walks up to IKEA return counter

*rips receipt into tiny pieces

*tells the clerk to put it together himself