I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
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When you let grandma cat sit
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
That’s fair
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
umm…