For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
if you’re in a sports bar but don’t understand sports just keep repeating the phrase “damn they gotta get him the ball.” everyone will agree
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you get a gift from me, there may or may not be a pair of scissors between the wrapping and the gift. I’m gonna need those back.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
me: *sends friend a message at 2 am*
me: woah woah there wtf are you doing up go to sleep this isn’t healthy for u
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five
ME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager