@tigersgoroooar: if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree
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@Dustinkcouch: customer: can we get a plate a fries for the table me (first day as a waiter): ahh i don't think we're allowed to feed the tables boss: can i talk to you for a sec me: what's up boss: you're doing a great job. i want those tables to suffer
@HatfieldAnne: Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough” [5 minutes later] “twice”
@Parkerlawyer: Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
@colesprouse: I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.