Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.