If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
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My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
o shit
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.