If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot