if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
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They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.