@adrianmyreality

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

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@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@ValeeGrrl

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

@highwaytohelv

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

@broken_rhi

Been starving for a man’s touch for months and I finally have a date tonight. How do I get out of it

@MikeBigby

If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,

@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.