If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.