If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.