don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers