“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
sensitive skin
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
*launders Kohls cash*
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*