If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
You Might Also Like
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
love it when they get my name right
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Meow
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally