If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
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me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
I’m being attacked 😭
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault