If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.

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If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave


I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.


Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.


Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother


[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”


Me: bless me father for I have sinned.

Priest: how long since your last confession my son?

Me: about 45 minutes ago…


You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.


Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”


Bella is the most misunderstood girl in fiction. She games Edward for immortality, starts a vampire war&secures a wolf servant for her baby.


I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.