A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair
All three will have blackmail pics
If you’re not cheating on me, then why won’t you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
Autocorrect just turned “stepdaughter” into “lying manipulative drug addict that lives in the basement and brings dudes in thru the slider”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
“there’s nothing sexier than a chick that knows how to work on cars”
Dudes, trying to get us to do that job too.