You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
If only
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
choose your gary
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that